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twisted road |
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 leviuqse writes "The Narra Tree
Maasim na sampalok.
Chocolate pasalubongs.
Lechon
And God.
These are things which remind me of my father this time of year.
My father was not the most spiritual person. He was not a "Jesus freak" or "bible beater", unlike my mom, but he lived his faith. I've said before that it's ironic to me that he died of a heart attack (complication of his diabetes) because at his core........he was good. He had a good heart.
Was he perfect? Heavens no....
On occasion he lost his temper. (So did Jesus.) More than once I heard him say "pucha" and I thought my life was surely over when, in my early 20's, having narrowly escaped having an accident with a jeepney while crossing the road, with blurry eyes because of tears…because my father’s already making some habilin to me. I braced myself for what was to come.(Like perhaps a shoe flying over the back seat to smack me upside my head.)
And he said a lot me, he said he really believe I could “make it” someday.
I’ll be somebody (daw) someday.
Maybe that’s why it was so important to me then...as it is now...to be someone he would really be proud of.
But I'm not perfect. And he was expecting me to be.
I've often said I'm not much like my father. Truth be told, I suppose I am my own person as I don't really think I am all that much like my mother either. My brothers, however, is so much like my mother....so much so, that I often look at them and mumble"Ok, Seregia"....which is, of course, my mother's name.
However there are little hints of my mom in me....for one thing, I, like all my siblings, inherited her heart. And also like my mother I try to be nonjudgmental. It is a TRUE Christian (like our pastor said) who can be nonjudgmental.
As for being a Christian, I am not a very good one. I am a much better sinner.
I remind myself of The Littlest Angel....always chasing my halo...which is both slightly dented and slightly tarnished.....my robe is tattered and torn....and I am often late for 'choir practice'....but my heart is in the right place (sana). I often joke that I believe there are 'levels' of Heaven and though I suspect I will be allowed into Heaven, its likely I might be watching the rest of you from outside the gate.
I do not attend church regularly. I do not serve on committees. I do not stand on street corners trying to convert people to Christianity. I don't 'witness' to my friends who do not know God. In the eyes of other Christians, I might be considered a very bad Christian, indeed.
But I also think a lot of people have the wrong idea about religion. Religion is not for the perfect. It is because we are NOT perfect that there is a need for religion.
I try not to 'preach'. I'm not qualified to do that. Nor do I wish to do that today.
It does, however, make me sad when I hear that someone has lost faith and turned from God. I was trying to explain something to a friend today and....I was doing just a TERRIBLE job of it...and I said to him....."sometimes it takes a while for my mind to be able to give words to that which I see or feel"....
Thankfully, he understood.
And I dont have the words to say what I'm feeling right now.
Luckily someone else did.
I seldom buy religious books. For some reason when I was on my uncle’s house I saw one...written by a lady I'd never heard of...I read a little each time I drop by there.
And the other day when my heart was heavy and I couldn't find the words I needed to say.....I opened my book and Paula White said it for me..she said it to me...it was as if she and I were sitting there carrying on a conversation. At one point I closed the book ....blinked my eyes...and reopened it........
So here is what Paula White (whoever the hell she is) said to me...which I am, in turn, supposed to say to you:
WARNING: heavy religious content to follow
"You need to know your weaknesses. You can be assured that the enemy knows them, and that's where he will attack you first and most often!. If you know your weaknesses, however, you can guard and protect those areas of your life.....
It isn't enough to know your weaknesses; you must also know your strengths....If the enemy can't get you in your weaknesses, he'll attack you in your strengths. Know your strong abilities and gifts...those things that you naturally do well. But, remember, your strengths are the areas in which you are likely to become exhausted. The enemy comes against us to wear us out when we are doing the RIGHT things!!
As long as you are straddling the fence and have no purpose in your life, why would the enemy bother you? It's when you begin to work the Word in your life...sowing it, accepting it, bearing fruit from it in your actions and receiving a harvest from it....that the enemy will come against you to resist you. When you begin to speak the Word...THAT is when the enemy makes you a target...to stop it from going forth. The enemy will make your life hard, and you will have to resist and press and fight against him to move forward.
Yes, there will be trials, temptations, and tests that come your way. But God's Word says you must 'count it all joy when you fall into various trials' Why? Because THOSE TRIALS are a sign that you are doing good....
And the enemy is coming against you.
We just need to recognize that we are to keep ourselves from growing weary in the process.
Otherwise our tendency will be to give up. We need to pace ourselves daily....maintain "heart"....which means our joy, enthusiasm, and purpose---and keep our eyes on the truth of God...that in HIS right season.....we will reap from what we are sowing. Learn to focus on the seat of strength in your life."
In all honesty, people, I have every reason in the world to be mad angry at God...
I know ...it's not a pretty picture. But life isn't always a neat little package...a pretty little picture.
What I do every day takes incredible mental and physical energy...I need the energy of two people. Ironic, isn't it, that I should suffer from chronic fatigue. It takes a whole heckuva lot of energy to hate....God or anyone.... And that is energy, my friends, that I just can't afford to spare.
The ONLY help that I get...is from God. Were I not focused...were my head and my heart NOT right with God there is no way I could do what I do every day. I'd have put a bullet thru my brain by now.
Yes, I may be poor and miserable, directionless and all that, but now, I never lose sight of the fact that there is ALWAYS someone out there who has it worse.
Yeah, sometimes, to lift up what you feel, you tend to look at someone who have worse than you have. And as Jessica Zafra wrote, my pain isn’t different from others, we’re all walking in this world wounded.
I've admitted this to few people in my life...but there are times when I literally CRY out for His help........and that's exactly what He wants.
Had I turned my back on Him .......I'd have been doing EXACTLY what "the enemy" wanted me to do.....
For now....I guess I am just too hardheaded to let him win this round."
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Posted on Tuesday, March 14 @ 00:25:06 CST by don |
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